The Adventures of the Elven Jedi
by Secret Talent
Summary: The humurous action adventures of the Elven Jedi Order. You can now laugh with them, cry with them, and scratch your head at odd things with them. PG13 due to some violence comming up soon.
1. The Author's Note

Well, basically so far this is a smattering of different story themes all revolving around the Elven Jedi of Arda and Elsewhere. Most of the characters in this story are taken from real live Elven Jedi, who live normal everyday lives either saving the universe or doing homework. Either or…  
  
"But I don't like Tolkein" You say, or "I don't like Star Wars" well, this really isn't about either. It's a blending of the best of both, with humor thrown in where the bad parts were taken away. If you don't think the story is funny, that's ok. Just don't even bother coming knocking on our hidden halls. You won't be welcome.  
  
Well, Chapter 2 is a short episode entitled Elven Jedi Hair Clips. It's story line and theme is completely separate from the chapters following it. Don't judge one story by the other please.  
  
If you don't like my reasoning in genetics in the 5th chapter, just remember. It may not be probably that it would happen, but it is still possible none the less.  
  
Let me think…anything else… oh, sometimes the chapter will not be complete so check back to see when it is. Also, if you have any suggestions please send them to secret@localnet.com . I am always welcome to advice whether you be Elven Jedi or not.  
  
Enjoy the story my friends! Vanya Sulie! 


	2. A preview of a bad hair day

The Search for Lady Star's Hair Clip  
  
It was a bright day, with a full moon shining through the ceiling on the Head Council Chambers in the Hidden Halls of the Elven Jedi Warriors. Running hither and thither and all around inside were the poor disgruntled Head Council Members, searching frantically for their great leader, Lady Star's favorite baby-blue hair clip.  
  
"Don't worry about it you guys really!" She said, sitting on her large Pink Beanbag chair/throne. "Really my friends, I have hundreds." And to think, all this time you thought Jedi were only suppose to own the clothes on their backs.  
  
"Eh, we're immortal Lady." Said Lóst, the Guardian of the Council, "We need something to do!"  
  
And so, frantically they searched. Running hither and thither through the forest of the Head Council Chambers. Periodically one would hear the thud of an elf banging into a tree. It was almost as if they had money on it, as if the first one to find it got two grand. Nah! *the narrator said, his pockets bulging with the pot* I hope I find it! ::he takes off running.::  
  
And now I the real narrator take charge. That was Lord Secret, 2nd in Charge of the Council, Apprentice to Lady Star, and overall nut. Well, Lady obviously wasn't worried, and the others were obviously bored, and I am obviously feeling wordy, so I will describe the events that lead up to the misplacement of the Hair-Clip of Lady Star.  
  
Well, she walked out that morning from behind the waterfall, cranky at having stubbed her toe on bed which she didn't sleep in normally, except for on certain types of occasions. When she took the boat down-stream to the ring of Head Council Beanbags and sat in her big pink squishy throne she noticed that something was wrong with her hair. It was missing the clip she normally wore on crankier occasions to cheer herself up. She had thought she put her hair-clip on before leaving her room. She was sure of it. But now, it was missing, and she was starting to feel slightly cranky. What was she to do?!?!  
  
When asked about her unusual crankiness by Lord Secret the nut she blurted about the missing clip, and then the race was on to find it. Of course, betting was involved with the whole ordeal and the Head Council was then nuts to find it. Meanwhile, Lady Star remained seated, disgruntled by the council's strange gambling problem and frantic behavior. All that being on top of her stubbed toe because of her naffing bed!  
  
Occasionally a council member such as Angie the Terror would cry out, "I got the clip!"  
  
But alas, every time she cried out those words it was only one of the following objects: A twig, a rock, a snail, a gopher, a pollywog, a small hobbit she held up by his furry foot which she mistook for a gopher, and a Sindarin-Elven-Prince named Legolas who she kept for herself, and fought off numerous other She-Elves to keep in her possession. In the end it was a draw between her and her friend Melissa the Spy and they decided to share the poor elf, much to the pleasure of Legolas. Sadly, this too was much to the disgruntlement of Lady Star, whose toe had developed a small red mark, and red was a color much to her displeasure!  
  
In the meantime, while all the craziness was taking place Lady Star settled into her large squashy Pink Beanbag Throne and took out "Seventeen-Hundred Magazine", listened to her CD player, and gingerly did her toes taking special care not to hurt the stubbed one more than it already was. Oh the pain of being in the limelight constantly, 1.) The light emitted by the limestone was rather paling to the skin, and 2.) One had to look good all the time. Eventually Arwen, (Yes, the even-star of her people and yada yada yada…) came over with some popcorn, and together they chatted about cute Elven boys they had seen in the past century.  
  
Well, Katra, the head of investigations was soon hot on the trail of the lost hair-clip. He had narrowed down the search by determining that the clip was not in his pocket, nor his hands, and was quickly moving on to see where else it wasn't.  
  
Lóst, guardian of the council had done the smart thing like Arwen and joined her and Lady Star in their gossip. Melissa and Angie eventually dragged Legolas over and together the five girls grilled him about life in the Mirk-Wood and just what exactly the girls there were wearing these days. The thought never occurred to them to wonder why he got there, but under Lady Star's scrupulous gaze he finally admitted he was borrowing some Nair, he having run out many moons ago.  
  
Well, Diva, the Elven Jedi Queen had left two days ago to return to her people for a time and had just reached the front entrance, having taken her time moving along the ten mile long Main Hall, as was her queenly fashion.  
  
Well, eventually Callie, the Head of Negotiations; the one they called Elbereth due to her wearing of the maybellene make-up which made her glow; came over after Lady Star recited the poem they used to summon her.  
  
A Elbereth, Get-Over-Here,  
  
You dumb clown, I need you near,  
  
Who's that Elf-Boy over there,  
  
With the hair so long and fair?  
  
"Two things Lady Star!" Callie hissed, "One, I AM NOT A CLOWN! Just because I wear a bit of make-up does not make me one!"  
  
Just then a UPS guy arrived with a large drum of eyeshadow and asked her to sign for it. The most embarrassing part for poor Callie was when he asked her if she wanted the free putty knife one got when they ordered such large weekly deliveries.  
  
After the delivery man left she turned back to the group and continued. "Two! He is Prince Legolas, also known as Shaved-Leg-O'-Lass." She added, eyeing his bare legs. He wore no stockings beneath his tunic. "MINE!" She exclaimed diving at him. Sadly, there was much confusion and in the end Lady Star stubbed her toe a second time, and her wrath made them all, even Legolas, decide to continue on with the search.  
  
Elémental, head of the guard kept a perimeter around the beanbag chairs and watched out for other toe-stubbing beasts. Shat wandered around the hall threatening various trees as was the way of the Head of Protection.  
  
Well, Heír the head of Lore tried a searching spell to find Lady's lost Hair-Clip, but there was a magic resistant force blocking the spell. This was most boggling to the Council members. Tina tried to say that such a spell blocking force was against canon, but was abruptly quieted when Elija tried to Ni the clip out into the open. She was soon quieted by the moron of an arms master, and Rowana remembered something she once read in a history book.  
  
"I've got it!" She exclaimed, remembering one of her many boring and rambling books, which this story is now in. "Lord Secret had the beanbag chairs protected with a force and spell blocking spray when I informed him that constant sensing lead to spontaneous combustion. So, the clip must be underneath Lady Star!" And, when they checked, lo and behold the clip was there. Lady Star wore her baby-blue clip, her calm was returned, and Rowana got the two-grand.  
  
And all were glad, even Lord Secret the nut, who was the one who hid the clip in the first place for an excuse to gamble on its whereabouts. He would have one the bet, had he not forgotten where he put the clip. And so, this ends The Search for Lady Star's Hair Clip. Soon to come: A real Elven Jedi fan-fiction and not something completely 100% ridiculous and pointless. 


	3. Intro

Lady star sat cross-legged on her giant Pink Beanbag-Chair/Throne. She was dressed in her usually loose cut pink pants, a pink shirt with and a baby- blue vest over it, and no shoes, having no where to really go that day. Over head the moon was clearly visible through the enchanted ceiling, and it reflected off the stream which surrounded the Head Council's Circle, giving her a more graceful look than usual. Circling her auburn color hair was a circlet of gold with a tiny jewel in the middle, signifying her as head of the Council, and royal amongst the Elven race. Her face had a look on it of deep meditation and reflection. She was the essence of peace and tranquility.  
  
To her left, seated on a slightly smaller, Green Beanbag-Chair/Throne was the Lord Secret of the Elven Jedi. He too wore loose cut clothing of a simplistic fashion, only his were green and white, and circling his head of dark hair was a circlet of silver with a small jewel, signifying him as the second to the great Lady Star. He too was in a state of deep penetration, so deep that neither he nor lady could foresee what happened next…  
  
The large Mithril gates leading into the head council chambers and in strode Arwen, Head Keeper of Order within the council meetings, and as usual, she did not look pleased.  
  
Being roughly jostled from their meditation by the noise, both Lady Star and Lord Secret came to their day to day senses to deal with this coming force.  
  
Arwen strode forth to the center of the ring of seats, and bowed before both Lady Star and Secret in turn. Then, she drew herself up, composed herself with an extremely dignified look, then forgot all that and proceeded to rave on about something in the gibberish which was her angry speech as those who new her well referred to it.  
  
"They-they-they! OOOOH! I-I-I-I-I'm so angry I could strangle-can you believe what th-th-th-they did! I know I can't! Arrrghhhh!!!!" And so this continued for almost ten minutes until Lady Star and Lord Secret were able to calm her down.  
  
"Peace dear Arwen." Said Lady Star in a most soothing tone, her voice melodious and calming. She gestured to Arwen's familiar Sky-Blue Beanbag Chair/Throne and said, "Have a seat please."  
  
"Yes." Agreed Lord Secret, "It is most difficult to understand your troubles when you are in a rave such as this." And before Arwen could open her mouth to say but, she felt herself gently set into her seat, and her mouth held closed.  
  
She looked over at Lord Secret, watching to see if he had done it, but then her sight strayed to Lady Star, who's eyes were suddenly more alive and brighter that they had been before. It was obvious who had done it. She took a moment, and breathing deeply through her nose focused on the calming techniques who everyone and their brother reminded her to use all the time.  
  
She imagined her rage as an ocean, and either used her control to flatten out the stormy seas, or simply pulled the drain in the bottom, letting her stresses fall away from her, leaving her in peace. She chose the later of the two since it was quicker and easier, and she desperately wanted to inform the Leaders of the council on this matter.  
  
Slowly and precisely Arwen said, "I have a grave matter which I bring here before the Head Council this day." She looked at the two leaders. Lord Secret's eyes seemed to say 'Well, we knew that!' But Lady Star had a look of pure curiosity on her face. It was obvious who was better at hiding their emotions more thoroughly.  
  
"The different councils of Elven Jedi are growing more and more unruly and irresponsible by the day, my Leaders." She said, her eyes now closed, focusing on the precise words she wanted to use. "I fear that something far worse than just speaking out of turn will come of this though. It is something far more devious and illusive, and my forces cannot combat it to much avail." She then opened her eyes and gazed at her two leaders.  
  
Lady Star and Lord Secret locked eyes for a moment, and then he nodded to her. Obviously there was something going on that they knew about which others did not. Lady Star turned back to Arwen who was seated on her right, and gave her a look so stern and serious, that it chilled her right to her very essence, her Fea.  
  
"Arwen, head of the Keepers of Order, I am about to revel something to you that must not under any circumstances, no matter how dire, must not be repeated by you at any time, or in any place. Understand?" It took Arwen a second to come to her senses about what exactly was being said to her, but then she nodded her head in agreement, and she perked up, and focused all her attention upon Lady Star.  
  
"Arwen." Lady said, now in almost a whisper, "We finally know how to get around the barriers imposed upon us by the Valar, and have now accessed the outside worlds!" With this Lady fell silent, and sat back in her chair, letting this news sink in with Arwen, so she would fully comprehend the task they had done.  
  
All Arwen could do was sit there with her mouth open in astonishment… 


	4. An Adventure's Beginning

I know what you're probably thinking. Outside worlds…meh! Well, it wasn't meh to the Elves of Arda. It was a tremendous accomplishment to have those who were locked within the confines of the world find a safe passage out.  
  
"Well, we didn't exactly find a way." Said Lady star to the presumptuous narrator. Hey! That's me! Grr! "We kind of made one. Now shh! Don't go blabbing all of our secrets!"  
  
"Huh?" Said Lord Secret looking up, "Someone call me?"  
  
Just then there came a pounding pounding on the gates into the Head Council Chambers, and Lóst, Guardian of the Council leaped up to answer it.  
  
Raven and Vinyavagor, two Investigation Correspondents strode into the hall, walked up into the circle, and bowed before the Lady and Lord. They had both been summoned to a private meeting between them and Lady Star and Lord Secret. Lóst stood watch over by the door, out of hearing range.  
  
Lord Secret directed them to two Beanbag Chair/Thrones that had been placed opposite him and Lady Star for the two to sit in. When they were seated he asked them, "Do either of you know why you were summoned here this day?"  
  
"No Master." They chorused. They were younger elves, only around 1100 or so years old. And yet, through their vigilance and steadfast during the rebellion a decade before they were both made Investigator Correspondents.  
  
They were two of the Investigators who determined what was to be done about situations of great importance. Vinyavagor was the Correspondent to the Protection division of the order. Raven was the correspondent to the Head Council, he reported directly to Lady Star and Lord Secret, as did Katra, the head of the Investigation division.  
  
"Then you shall be told now." Said Lady Star in her usual calm melodious voice. "Arda is not alone in the Universe, in fact it is only by the efforts of the Valar that we are protected from outside forces. The main problem with this is we Eldar are trapped in here as well."  
  
"But, aren't we not allowed out of this world?" Raven asked bewildered by her statement.  
  
"We are limited to this realm, this universe. We should be allowed to go far past the edge of the outer sea, as the Men have done already. But we sit quiet and still, here near the Blessed Realm."  
  
"Men have made their way out?!" Vinyavagor exclaimed.  
  
"You forget Vinyavagor my friend," Lord Secret said, "To men is appointed a much shorted existence in this realm than that of ours. In but a mere thousand years they went from the ways of magic to the ways of a lore they call technology implementing engines and such. They have passed the outer sea long ago, and managed to escape the circles of the world while we were resting in our Hidden Halls.  
  
"Men are now scattered amongst the stars, but sadly due to the powers of the Valar protecting this world in which we the firstborn live, they were shut out and were forced to find other worlds in which to live, where they multiplied and spread further, finding other races made after they. So by now they have forgot this world, and those who live here venture out no more, due to the disappearances of those who left long ago."  
  
Well, after the two sat there letting the words of their two leaders sink in, they maintained a vague look on their faces. Then Raven cocked his head to the side, and Vinyavagor scratched his noggin. Evidently they were thrilled with the news.  
  
Then, they realized what was said to them through the strange way Lord Secret had explained it, and saw what they meant. A look of deep understanding developed on their faces, as if they had just passed gas.  
  
Raven finally asked one word. "How?"  
  
"I'm ever so glad you finally asked!" Exclaimed Lady Star cheerfully. She had been worried the brains of the two young elves had been fried. "Well, we do not use technology as you know." She said.  
  
"Right." Agreed Vinyavagor, "No tecnomology."  
  
"No, no Vinya, it's techmology."  
  
"No, you're both wrong." Lóst called over. "It's Cosmology."  
  
"Enough of this!" Lady exclaimed. "It's technology! End of discussion!" She took a moment to regain her cool and then continued. "Well, since we do not use that, we used our good old standby."  
  
"Bribery of the Valar?" Lord Secret asked.  
  
"Shh! Exnay of the ribery-bay." She muttered. "No, we use Enchantments."  
  
"You mean like in the stories of the old ages where elves just sang stuff into existence?" Vinyavagor asked. "You mean they really did that? I thought it was just a myth. Besides," He added, "I was never that good at singing."  
  
"Why's that?" Raven asked, looking puzzled.  
  
"Well, I never got a chance to really practice. Every time I tried people would scream and yell at me and hold their ears. Some how I got the feeling they didn't like it." He explained.  
  
"Getting back to business." Said Lady, trying to control her rapidly growing temper, "We are sending you two through the portal to investigate the worlds outside."  
  
"Why us?" Raven asked.  
  
"Because you two are our most trusted investigators." Lord Secret informed them. "Now go and meet with Heír, our Lore Master, he will fill you in on what we know of the world we are sending you to first, and who you will meet there."  
  
And with that the two rose, bowed, and exited the chambers. After showing the two out the door, Lóst came over to the two leaders and asked rather bluntly, "Why did you really send those two?"  
  
"They're completely expendable." The two answered, and returned to their meditations and tic-tac-toe game they were playing using the force to levitate their pencils. Lóst merely shook her head, and wandered off in search of lemonade.  
  
After exiting into the Main Hall, Raven and Vinyavagor walked a brisk mile and took the first door to their right. It brought them into the great Hall of Lore, archives of the Elven Jedi Council.  
  
They approached the nearest loresperson, which turned out to be Lylene, the Apprentice Master of Lore. She was a nice looking female elf, and she didn't seem to be in her 1200's even.  
  
"We're here to see the Master of Lore, Heír." Raven told her. "Do you know where he is?"  
  
"Nobody see's the Lore Master! Not nobody not no how!" She exclaimed frantically.  
  
"Oh please!" Exclaimed Vinyavagor leading Raven around and away from her. "We are so sick of the Wizard of Oz bit."  
  
"No you misunderstood." She said, catching up with the two. "What I mean is, he isn't here right now so you can't see him."  
  
"Oh." Said Vinyavagor, dropping Raven's hand, which he had been leading him by. "Sorry."  
  
"That's all right, I'm used to it by now." She said. "I just like to deliver people bad news in a good way. Well, he's out quizzing the younglings right now, and will be back in about twelve hours or so. You're welcome to sit and wait of course."  
  
"Sit where?" Asked Vinyavagor looking around for a chair.  
  
"Pick a stack of books if you like." She said, heading off, "It's not like we don't have millions!"  
  
It was true; they did have millions and millions of books, most larger than they were. The shelves took up all the walls in the large hall, reaching up all the way to the forty-foot ceilings. There were leather books, paper books, stone books, magic books, spell books, Jedi Manuals, cook books, dictionaries for hundreds of different languages, Harry Potter books, a strange set of books called The Lord of the Rings Trilogy; well, you name it and they had books on it. Even books on how to walk and chew gum at the same time, and art vital to everyday Elven Jedi life. There was also a large history book sitting in the center of the library on a large pedestal that was being composed by the Master and Apprentice Master of Lore, called the Silmarillion. (Sadly, this book would later be stumbled upon by an author from another dimension who decided to take the book and claim it as his own work).  
  
So, the two chose large books to sit on, and two smaller books to read for the time being. Raven read, "How to keep from getting motion sickness when traveling through a magical gateway leading out of Arda". A lengthy title, but good reading. Vinyavagor, being a typical protector was reading a picture book entitled "Elven Jedi Wet Tee-Shirt Contests". It was somewhat obvious to tell who would do better on this mission than the other.  
  
So the two sat there and waited. And they waited. And they waited. And they (guess what) waited. Raven was nearly finished with his book and Vinyavagor had nearly memorized all the pictures in his when low and behold, the Lore Master himself, Heír strode up to them.  
  
"Well come along!" He said belonging them to follow him with his hand, "We've got a lot of material to cover and not enough time to do it in." And with that he set a brisk pace off up one of the stairs leading up towards the top of the shelving, and off to the other end of the library. There, after the others had caught up with him he pulled a book out of the shelving, and instead of the bookcase swinging open like the two investigators were expecting he thumbed through it and found a map of the Hall of Lore.  
  
"What are you doing?" Asked Raven.  
  
"I'm trying to find where my office is supposed to be. The door leading into it was buried underneath a large pile of books long ago and now I have forgotten where it was." Soon he found the location of his office and led them down the stairs of the other side of the Hall and back towards the Main Hall. Halfway there he stopped and flung a large pile of ancient tomes off to the other side of the room using a bit of concentration and TNT. Sure enough, there was a door leading into a long forgotten part of the Hall of Lore.  
  
He opened the door and beckoned them in. Inside the room was full of a variety of objects of all sorts, and everything was buried in a layer of dust a foot thick.  
  
"How long has you office been missing?" Vinyavagor asked bewildered by the look of the place.  
  
"Eh, around a century now I think. I've been busy you see." He explained offhandedly, as if it was a common thing. Which to him it was. One time he had lost the exit from the Hall of Lore and he and his associates were missing from Head Council meetings for a decade.  
  
"Now." He said brushing off the three chairs around his desk for them to sit in, "I trust Lady Star and Lord Secret have told you about what they managed to find."  
  
"Would we be here if they didn't?" Vinyavagor asked rather arrogantly.  
  
"I don't know." Growled an annoyed Heír between bared teeth, "Perhaps you were just here to read dirty books, and had no knowledge of your mission."  
  
Vinyavagor gulped and shut his trap. "That's a good youngling." Said Heír rather insultingly. "I don't care what you did during the rebellion, if it were up to me you'd still be a Padawan." He turned to Raven; "You on the other hand haven't spoken hardly a word the whole time you were here. Why is that?"  
  
"What do you expect me to say?" He asked. "Hire a maid or fire the old one?"  
  
Heír chuckled slightly and then cleared his throat and decided to get back to business. "Well, since you know you will be arriving on another world, I am guessing you will be wondering which one. Well, I'll tell you what we know…  
  
"The planet Naboo is inhabited by what would be considered the descendents of Numenorians. That means that they have a small amount of Elven blood in their veins. So, if they use some of their poor excuse for lore-"  
  
"Techmologiney?" Vinyavagor interrupted.  
  
"Whatever it is." He said, choosing not to bother scolding him for the interruption. "If they use it to determine what race you are they will see they have something in common with you, and will help more readily."  
  
"And what if they decide not to help?" Raven asked.  
  
"Use a mind-trick." Said Heír offhandedly. "You're going to be a ways from home and you will be allowed to do anything in your power to keep yourselves safe. Anyways, from there you will simply contact the Jedi Council that exists out there, (We know there is one, we can feel them), and you will represent us and arrange for meetings."  
  
"Is it just us whose going?" Vinyavagor asked.  
  
"A company of seven others will be appointed to aid you." Heír informed him."  
  
"Why nine?" Raven asked.  
  
"Why it's tradition in there stories!" Heír exclaimed shocked at their ignorance. "Why just for that you two will sit here in this office and read those stories until the rest of the company is read to go!" And sensing Vinyavagor's thought he turned to him and added, "And no they don't have pictures. And with that Heír left them sitting in his office as he went off to fetch the books. As he left he muttered, "That Vinyavagor's gonna end up just like Boromir!" 


	5. Tic-Tac-Toes and No-No's

It was Star's and Secret's 50,000th game. So far it was 24,999 games Lady won and 24,999 games Secret won. This was the tiebreaker game. Since they decided to could funny when doing it, this next game would count as two, not to mention that they doubled the number of spaces to 18, and the number one had to get in a row to 6. It was just more challenging that way.  
  
On her White Beanbag Chair/Throne Lóst, Guardian of the Council, was napping quietly. She had dozed off around game 300 or so. She hadn't expected this little tic-tac-toe tournament to last much longer, but after awaking several hours later and seeing the two still playing she realized she had been wrong.  
  
"Lady Star! Lord Secret! What are you two still doing playing tic-tac- toe at a time like this!"  
  
"Shh! We're trying to concentrate here Lóst!" Lady scolded.  
  
"Yeah!" Added Lord Secret. "This is the tiebreaker game! Whomever wins this is the Master Jedi of Tic-Tac-Toe!"  
  
Lady looked at her options. Secret had five in a row two ways. She could only block one, so in effect he would win either way. Then, she devised an unbeatable plan.  
  
"Lord Secret, if you win this game you get a horrible pay cut." She said calmly and simply.  
  
Now the tide was turned. Lord Secret let those two chances at a win be filled in, and next time he had an option of whether or not to block a win by Lady, he chose not to. Thus Lady Star won the tournament, was named Master Jedi of Tic-Tac-Toe, and Secret was allowed to keep his paycheck.  
  
"Sometimes it pays to be the boss." Lady muttered. And then she turned her attention to a very aggravated Lóst.  
  
"Dear Lóst, what do you need?" She said, completely happy due to her winning of the tournament.  
  
"You two are planning on sending the first Eldar ever outside of Arda in less than three days and you just sitting here playing chess for, what time is it? TWENTY HOURS STRAIGHT! I can't even believe I spelt that long!"  
  
"We slipped you something to calm you down." Lord Secret muttered.  
  
"Anyway!" Lóst said angry at being slipped a drug by her so-called friends. "You should call Council or something with the other Masters and Apprentice Masters. Determine whose going on the first trip to Naboo."  
  
"You mean there's going to be more than two?" Asked Lady Star, eyeing Secret suspiciously. He was known for allowing more people than were welcome to do things.  
  
"Look not at me dearest Lady, for 'twas not I who determined seven others should go. It was our Lore Master Heír."  
  
"That pompous windbag!" Lady Star exclaimed. "I don't give a naff what shade of blonde Legolas was or any of his other useless trivia! Our Archives are swelling with those trashy books he says we need. That's were last millennium's budget went you know!" It was clear that she was quite upset with him for blowing the budget on a million copies of Manwë's Book of Arda's Records.  
  
She cooled down and then reached a conclusion. "Alright. Lóst, please call the Head Council together. Lord Secret and I will be in private council in my chambers until they are assembled. Please come and fetch us at that time.  
  
Lóst rose, bowed, muttered, "Yes milady!" And marched off through the gates to fetch them. For her it was going to be a long trip so she packed a sack of food and water, and with her Running Rollers on her feet she set off skating the first mile down the Main Hall to her first stop.  
  
After Lóst had left, Lady arose and turned to Lord Secret saying, "Come with me." Together they set off to the nearby boat in the stream. They climbed in and with a wave of Secret's hand it shoved off and headed upstream.  
  
They rode in silence and deep thought, with many Tree's passing on either side of them. They two were strangely peaceful in the magical twilight in which the Head Council Chambers was placed. After all, they themselves had woven the enchantments into the hidden halls, as they had recently woven the enchantments into the Portal, which the Company of Nine Starwalkers would soon go through.  
  
They reached the waterfall and with a wave of Lady Star's hand the flow split allowing the boat safe passage beneath the falls and into the little alcove where it was normally kept when Star and Secret were resting in their chambers.  
  
They got out onto the docks and walked down the glowing passage and to the inner lake. As they approached a large natural bridge of stone rose out of the water, creating the only path to the other side, since the cave in which the lake was placed had no shore to walk around on.  
  
They quickly made their way across the stone bridge onto the ledge, which led to the doors of their chambers. Lady, leading the way, took to the right and led Lord Secret into her room. Secret had an idea of where this would soon end up, but didn't lead on that he knew the way into Star's room.  
  
Once inside they could see the view of the sea from the magical Bay Window in Lady Star's room. It was a warm, sunny day, and the wind was blowing in large waves, which crashed profusely against the shore.  
  
"Do you remember when we first met?" Lady Star asked Lord Secret, sitting down on her bed, beckoning him to join her there. She swung he legs onto the bed next to her, half-sitting, half-lying on her side.  
  
"Remember?" He asked, "How could I ever forget?!?! We met back in the twenty-first century of man's new reckoning, on a program of theirs called AIM. Part of their technology." He said chuckling at the memory. Lord Secret wasn't an old elf, neither was Lady Star. They were both only around 2,400 years old, but in those years so much had happened.  
  
"Yes." She said agreeing with him as he sat down on the bed next to her. "That was back in the times when we regarded ourselves humans as well…" The thought troubled her. She missed her family, whom she had long since lost track of. Immortality really wasn't all it was cracked up to be unless you were born of elves. Unfortunately, neither of them were, nor any member of the head council. It had all begun so very long ago really…  
  
By the 21st Century in the reckoning of man, the Elven Race had long since passed out of Arda and into the Blessed Realm. Those that refused to leave eventually faded out of Arda, their bodies being consumed by the fire of their spirits. All that was left in the world of their race were the men who possessed Elven Blood.  
  
Well, according to the technology of biology and use of Punnet Squares, it has been determined the following way. Those men who possessed the blood of elves did not at first marry others with those similar traits. But, after a few thousand years more and more humans with Elven Blood got together and had children. Now, if they were only 1/100 Elven, that meant that they had a chance of either having children with no Elven traits, 1/100 Elven Blood, or 1/50 of the traits.  
  
Now let's just say that a bunch of families had children with 1/50th. What if those children got together and had children who received all Elven Traits from their parents. Then they would be 1/25th. After that the next children would be 1/12.5th Elven. And so on and so forth until they reached about 1/3 to 1/2 Elven characteristics depending on the number of traits received. Now what if those people with 1/2 traits got together? It mean that they had 25% chance of children with no Elven Blood, 50% chance of children with 1/2 Elven Blood, and 25% change of children with all Elven Blood, meaning that the race of Elves was reborn into the world.  
  
Those children with all Elven Blood were the Elven Jedi like Lady Star, Lord Secret, Lóst, Heír, and the other Master Elven Jedi.  
  
Well, these children went through their adolescence at a normal Human rate due to the pollution's and toxins that the race of man had introduced into the diet of its people. Though Elves were immune to most harms this constant bombardment had an effect of rapped maturing on the New Elves of Arda.  
  
So, after being chased out of society by their former families these friends finally decided to act upon their plans for a secretive organization they invented back in their days on AIM. So, they built their Hidden Halls under a mountain in (LOCATION CLASSIFIED) and began discover things like the Jedi Arts and such.  
  
"I said I loved you one day Secret, remember?" Lady continued, her words forming visions as clear as day in the mind of her friend and ally.  
  
Of course he remembered! He may have forgotten the names of different countries over the years but he would never forget something like that!  
  
"I remember." He said quietly, and then fell silent being horribly conscious of where they were, and what the rules were of the Elven Jedi. Finally, he spoke to her at last.  
  
"Lady, we cannot do this, you know that. It is forbidden by the laws of the Elven Jedi Council."  
  
Lord Secret grew very worried when Lady Star started laughing uncontrollably, frequently forgetting to breath. Tears rolled down her cheeks she was laughing so hard.  
  
It wasn't her normal reserved laugh she used around the Council either. It was her laugh she used back in the days of their Human existence, before she was the ruler of all that was left of the Elven Race. Finally, she composed herself enough to be able to speak, and gasped:  
  
"Lord Secret! Ha! Have you forgotten that we are the leaders of the Elven Jedi Council? We can do as we please!" She then quickly, seeming to have realize something, sobered up and said morbidly, "Unless it doesn't please…" Her voice trailed off and she fell to a depressed form of silence.  
  
"It isn't that Lady, you know that. But I do know that we are stuck with each other for a very long time, and I do not want to rush into anything that may hurt my friendship with you for a millennia or so."  
  
"Oh sure!" She exclaimed, "It's only been what, 2,000 years! Who wants to rush!" She then bit her lip, and cried out quite tearfully, "It's just I've been alone so long! So very alone, and it hurts so much!"  
  
"What do you mean alone? I've been here with you the whole time." Lord Secret said.  
  
"Just because you were here doesn't mean I wasn't alone Secret!" She whimpered. "Of course you were near to me, but the whole time you were so very far. At times I feared we were growing apart, but I assured myself it wasn't so; but look at us now. Can't we even have a real conversation together anymore? Like we used to?"  
  
It was then that Secret realized what he had done, and been doing even then. They weren't talking like they used to, no, the most he would do was answer her questions and say no more. What an ass he had been, but what could he do to save them from an awful fate?  
  
As it turned out he didn't have to do anything, for at that moment of realization Lady Star grabbed him and kissed him rather passionately. He returned her kiss, and before anything more could happen between them there came a knocking at the door. It was Lóst. The council was assembled awaiting their presence. Lady Star and Lord Secret composed themselves and followed their trusted friend Lóst out the door and back to the Council Chambers. None of the three said a word…  
  
Well, as it was the Head Council was in session, arguing over whom should be sent on the trip. Meanwhile Raven and Vinyavagor were busy catching up on unknown folklore about companies of nine.  
  
As it turned out, there would most likely be nine opponents fighting against them all the way, and those nine would most likely be more powerful. While Raven spent his time learning everything he could about this, Vinyavagor took a great deal of time trying to sneak more peeks at the book on wet tee-shirt contests. Pitiful was the usual celibacy of the elves… no random sex for them.  
  
Meanwhile, back in the Head Council Chambers…  
  
"No, you can't!" Exclaimed Tina, the Head of Canon, "It goes against Canon for we Elves to travel past the outer sea!"  
  
"But men have done it, why can't we?" Asked Callie, the Head of Negotiations, "We have run out of people to work with here." She said, "Why not travel through the depths of- what did you call it Lord Secret?- oh, right, 'space', and find more beings to interact with?" Seeming as how they didn't really interact with any creatures on Arda, her statement was quite correct.  
  
"We have sat dormant in our Hidden Halls far too long." Agreed Shat, the Head of Protection. "Our Protection forces are as strong as ever, we could readily help the rest of the universe with our gift."  
  
"Oh, to spy out a new world!" Said Melissa happily. Melissa, being the Head of Reconnaissance of course she would be excited by such a thing.  
  
"This matter is not open for discussion." Lady Star said, quieting the council with her mere voice. "I will be going on the mission myself."  
  
Well, the council went from silent to everyone yelling the instant she spoke those last words. Loudest and most confused of all the voices was that of Lord Secret.  
  
"Lady, you can't go out into the dangers of the universe! We need you here to lead us!"  
  
"Dangers?" She asked, a hint of humor in her voice. "I am the most powerful Elf in the universe; strongest in the force and in mind and in magic. Who could dare oppose me?" She chuckled slightly.  
  
"Actually," Heír butted in, "according to my trivia there is one-"  
  
"SHUT IT!" Exclaimed Lady Star, quite annoyed with her poor excuse of a Lore Master who wasted his time with pointless trivia instead of teaching useful things to the young elves. "Just as I give not a damn about Durin's Bane, I give not a damn about the rest of your trivia! Dina!" And with that Heír fell silent, angry and embarrassed at once. Of course, emotions of Sindarin Elven Jedi were hardly that strong so it was more like a weak disliking for her comments.  
  
"Well, now that that is settled," Said Lady Star regaining her dignified composure, "Who else shall go with the company? We need six others…"  
  
"You will need a translator when encountering other peoples." Said Callie, leaning forward in her green beanbag chair/throne. "I will send with you my most highly trained and perceptive. Her name is Sarah, my most prized pupil."  
  
"And you will need a member of Reconnaissance to take note of the races and places you see." Said Melissa, sitting regally in her purple beanbag. "Therefore I will send Eve, my most trusted apprentice with you."  
  
"You will need guards!" Lóst brought up. "Perhaps you should bring Holm and Roin with you."  
  
"Agreed." Said Elémental sitting on his white beanbag chair.  
  
"That leaves two." Lord Secret said.  
  
"Might we send a member of lore?" Asked Lylene, the Apprentice Master of Lore who was sitting-in in her master, Heír's place. He was busy playing, "You Don't Know Beren!", An Elven trivia game with the younglings. When Lady Star saw that game show up on the Lore Budget sheet she was furious with him, and had him locked in a room with nothing but the game with a year. Sadly this only made matters worse seeming as how he had then memorized all the answers.  
  
"I will go." Said Rowana, the Master Historian of Lore. "I could not let a historic event such as this go by without taking part in it!"  
  
"Agreed." Said Lady Star smiling. She was glad a close friend of hers was going.  
  
"You will need a member of Protection to go as well." Put it Shat who was polishing his unlit sabre absentmindedly while leaning back in his silver beanbag.  
  
"We already have a member of protection going!" Said Tina, Head of Canon, who was rather peeved that they had forgotten about Canon. "We need a bearer and keeper of Canon to go with you. And I suggest that that person be none other than me."  
  
"Well than it's settled!" Said Lady Star cheerfully. "We have our nine starwalkers to go against the nine clodhoppers."  
  
"Clodhoppers?" Asked Lord Secret, sitting up in his comfortable dark green-grey beanbag chair/throne. He had been snoozing off and missed some things. "Now there's clodhoppers involved in this?" He shook his head wearily and dozed back off.  
  
"According to Heír there will be." Whispered Callie, who was to his right, in his ear before he was completely out of it.  
  
"Well then," Lady star continued, refusing to be interrupted, "since we know who is going, would you all please go and either inform those who you recommended that they must pack, or go pack yourself if you have optioned to go. I myself will be going to pack at this time. Will you join me Lord Secret?" She asked him.  
  
Lord Secret perked up once more, arose, and left in the boat with Lady Star back up the twilight stream, passing the same familiar trees that they always did. The only thing different about this was that this could possibly be the last time that Lady ever went this way. Unless of course she forgot something, and had to go back to her room to get it. In that case in may very well be the second to last time she ever went that way.  
  
The two didn't speak a word as they passed through the falls, or up the path and across the lake. In fact, it wasn't until they were on their way back out, Secret holding Lady Star's enchanted backpack, which could hold an infinite number of items, but would remain feather light when she touched it. Well, she wasn't touching it now so he was working pretty hard heaving the what he called "demon bag of rocks and kitchen sinks" across the lake. Finally, Lady Star, seeing his troubles with her complete wardrobe and favorite kitchen sink, took the bag from him, relieving him of a heavy burden, and forcing her to carry something of a weight equal to that of a feather. Poor Lady indeed!  
  
Finally, once on the other side Lord Secret said the one thing she knew he would say.  
  
"Please Lady Star, don't leave and go and risk getting yourself killed!"  
  
"Secret, we've been over this." She said. "I'm going and that's final!" With that she spun around and walked out of the falls. When she reached the boat she turned and noticed Lord Secret wasn't with her.  
  
What had happened was that when Lady Star spun her bag smacked into Lord Secret. To him the bag was still the "demon bag of rocks and kitchen sinks" so he was knocked two weeks from Tuesday, (Tuesday being Bingo night, a most important night to immortal elves such as they), and he landed in the middle of the lake. Luckily the walkway had subsided under the water so he didn't smash his Elven Jedi brains out on that.  
  
Well, eventually he made his way out and made it to the boat where Lady Star had been waiting patiently. She noticed he was sopping wet and couldn't resist spurting out:  
  
"Have a nice trip? See you next fall!" She chuckled wickedly, much to the annoyance of Lord Secret.  
  
"Hyuck hyuck, hyuck!" He said sarcastically. He climbed into the boat, and they were off. If he hadn't known for a fact that Lady only knocked him in by accident, she would have been swimming back to the Council, Head of it or not. 


	6. Lament for Lady Star

Lament For Lady Star So many things she had to do, So many people acting like poo, No wonder why she sheds her tears, For all the horror seen through her years, Locked away in hidden halls, So many friends not heeding calls Oh so near and yet so far From this one named Lady Star. So through the portal she wandered far, Searching amongst the fellow stars, But then, too late, she realized her want And low while she was on her jaunt, Her friend Lord Secret met his demise, From the Jedi Master whom he despised, And so she returned, full of dread, And thus found Lord Secret lying dead. And that is why she sheds her tears, For while she wandered all those years, The few friends she had passed her by, Returning to Mados, for they had died. And so she sits there calling forth, For those who had already wandered north, And west into the undying lands, In Mandos halls, in the Valar's lands, Finally she traveled there, To confront Mandos, lacking worry or care He stole her friends, whom she did need, And when she always knew she would succeed, For she was Elven Jedi, hear her roar, And old dooms-man Mandos was such a bore She broke into his halls, smashing the door, And smote the place, floor by floor. The walls did crumble; the dead Quende freed, And of her doom they did take heed, For Mandos tried to curse a mighty curse, And tried he did to shrivel her change purse. But in this doom shared all Even Jedi, Dressed in their fancy Elven Levi's. And so before Mados could act at all, The Elven Jedi began to mall, His brother Lorien helped him not, For he feared too much for his own butt. And thus Lady Star did succeed, And from that point forgot her greed, She now knew what she had to do, When her people were acting like pooh, Just kick their ass like she had done, To Mandos and his trusty gun. 


	7. Elves, and Portals and Tree's oh my!

Lady Star wasn't quite sure why she was leaving, she just knew she had to. After all, it wasn't really proper for a Lady of the Jedi, such as herself to confess her love to someone and then just take off, possibly never to return.  
  
The portal was safe, that she was sure of. It was composed of the strongest magics and charms she and Lord Secret could come up with, and as well as the best known to Lord Secret's tree. Yes, tree. Those further along in the master of force manipulation can use it to communicate with other creatures and living things.  
  
A tree really was the perfect candidate for a Jedi Master, Elven or not. It was always at peace and harmony with the world around it. At least, it had better be. When one can not easily move from place to place it is best not to anger one's neighbors. This was the reason why Lady Star decided to go see him before she left.  
  
After bringing her bag out to the Head Council Circle, she just casually happened to notice that they were fighting like maniacs. Debating over who should go, and why Lady Star shouldn't go, and where to send the portal. Lord Secret simply slumped into his plaid beanbag chair/throne and began to meditate. He seemed to be doing that a lot lately, she didn't know why.  
  
She decided to slip back past the waterfall without any one noticing, especially Lord Secret, since it was his room and his friend whom she wanted to meet with privately. She sneaked back down to the boat, climbed in, and tried getting it to move through the water. It didn't budge.  
  
She was the most power and skilled Elven Jedi in all of Arda, and she couldn't move a dinky little boat up a stream?! Lord Secret did it all the time, seemingly effortlessly. She then remembered that it was always him who moved the boat. She had never attempted to go to her chambers without him escorting her. Due to this she now had no clue how to move the boat.  
  
"Do not try to move the boat, you cannot." Came the thought in the back of her mind, "Move the water around the boat instead." She tried doing this and low and behold it moved effortlessly. There must have been an enchantment on the boat to keep it from moving from the water where it was first placed. With that in mind how stagnant was that water? That was the last time she splashed her hand in the water along the side of the boat!  
  
"This isn't the East River Lady Star," came on of those weird thoughts again, "You won't spontaneously combust just from touching the water." Now she was sure she didn't think that! It must be some outside consciousness linked with her mind. "On the nose." Came the annoying voice/thought. "Or knothole, whichever you prefer."  
  
"Tree!" She muttered out loud.  
  
"You were expecting Mr. Rodgers? Let me tell you it may be a beautiful day in my neighborhood but I am not some old two-bit actor who specializes in tying shoes, buttoning and unbuttoning sweaters, and brainwashing young Human children!"  
  
"Wow" Thought Lady, "He rambles just as much if not more than Lord Secret!"  
  
"I heard that!"  
  
It was then that Lady Star decided to guard her thoughts more carefully, especially with this tree around. "Can anyone say 'Chainsaw?'" She thought just to annoy him. It seemed like the beginning of a beautiful friendship.  
  
"Yeah that's what you think!" Came Tree's noxious voice/thought. "I've been around for 2000 plus years and you haven't bothered to just stop by and see me! As Ricky would say, "Lucy, you gotta lot of 'splainen to do!" And if you're lucky I won't add the backhand across the face!"  
  
Lady Star simply smiled again and thought, "Chainsaw."  
  
It was the first time she had ever dared enter the private chambers of Lord Secret, which was somewhat odd seeming as how they had been neighbors for well over a millennia, going on two. She approached to door, turned the knob, swung it open, and the sight amazed her.  
  
The first thing she saw was a large, nearly 2000 year old tree trunk right in front of her face. On it she saw stairs going up to a talan, with several others further up. She went over to the stairs and read the sign:  
  
"GALADRIEL, EAT YOUR HEART OUT!"  
  
Lady Star sighed a deep sigh. "He would have to put something like that there wouldn't he."  
  
Climbing her way up and around the huge tree, Lady Star noticed that there was no roof on the room, merely a tall wall around the edges of the floor. "We try so hard to maintain secrecy and he goes and pulls a stunt like this!" She snarled, angry about the loss of privacy.  
  
"Oh please!" Came Tree's annoying voice in her head. "Do you think anyone could get past me? I am an Elven Jedi master and all. I can handle George Lucas or Tolkein themselves!"  
  
Hearing these names mentioned within her halls annoyed Lady Star to the point of taking a leaf out of a beaver's book and chewing wood. Thankfully she restrained herself, and merely climbed higher.  
  
Everything was finely carved and decorated. It seemed Lord Secret was a talented handyman. She noticed a large throne-like chair on one talan and lost it. "HE CARVES NICE FURNITURE FOR HIMSELF AND HE STICKS US WITH BEAN- BAG CHAIRS FROM E-BAY!" She screamed totally pissed.  
  
"Sit on it!" Came Tree's voice in her mind. At first from the tone she thought it an insult from the show Happy Day's. But, upon sitting on the chair she realized why he provided them with squashy beanbags instead of thrones. Upon sitting, she realized she would soon be in desperate need of a chiropractor if she sat there too long. "That's right! Now for that remark I'll only speak to you while your sitting in that chair." Tree said smugly.  
  
It was then that Lady Star had another realization; this was a truly evil tree! "Actually a Maple/Pine Hybrid, but you were close." Came his annoying voice, de-railing her train of thought. Another evil deed upon the part of this tree! "Now what troubles you milady?" Tree asked, and she would have thought him concerned had he not forced her to sit in this gosh-awful chair! She'd never get this horrible crick in her back out!  
  
"I am -ugh!- try to figure out why -oof!- I am trying to leave, AH THE PAIN!, the Hidden Halls after I just confessed something seemingly hidden to-naffingly evil chair!- seek out another world." She finished her sentence through all the pain the chair was inflicting upon her spine. She envisioned a truck full of Round-Up Weed Killer pouring itself on tree.  
  
"Alright, you don't have to sit in the chair." Tree said, obviously worried about the vision. "Lord Secret only keeps it there as a booby trap for pudding-sneaking gremlins. They like to bath in it you see."  
  
Of course Lady Star didn't hear a word about the gremlins. She was too busy leaping out of the chair and nursing her poor back. First a stubbed toe and now this!  
  
"Well you see." Tree began, "You are finally noticing how long you've sat here in these hidden halls playing tic-tac-toe and the like. You are fearing Lord Secret has no feelings for you, and you are also beginning to fear old age, (which is quite ridiculous seeing as how you are immortal) and on that note you are also having trouble coming to terms with your lack of mortality."  
  
Lady Star's jaw dropped in shock. "That's it exactly! How did you know?!"  
  
"I read your mind, processed the info, and came to a reasonable conclusion." Tree said offhandedly making it sound simple. Then as an after- note he added, "Also I am in cohorts with the Narrator."  
  
"Well, that answers my question, thanks for the help." Lady Star said, making as if to leave.  
  
"WAIT!" Tree cried out, "Don't you want some advice or something? Please I'm so bored! All Lord Secret does with me is play tic-tac-toe! DO YOU KNOW HOW BORING TIC-TAC-TOE GETS AFTER 2000 YEARS!?!?" Knowing exactly how boring tic-tac-toe was, Lady Star shuddered and stayed put, feeling rather sorry for the tree. It wasn't a bad tree, it just had no real social skills. Perhaps she could have Callie send some diplomats out to some of the nearby ents to see if they wanted to have get together.but in the meantime she had to do something!  
  
"Well." Lady Star said, "I could use some advice on how to deal with the Queen of Naboo.I mean, it's been ages since I've talked to any royalty besides Díva, and she's a Jedi and like minded so it's easier with her. Going beyond that it's been 10 years since we last talked."  
  
Tree chuckled knowing Lady Star was lying about needing advice, but was willing to play along for something to do.  
  
"When you go through the portal," He began, "You'll find yourself on a strange, new world. It will have different beasts and birds and plants than you have ever known. Nearly immediately you will most likely be met by Naboo's armed forcing who will be puzzled by your sudden appearance, and they will attempt trouble." Tree paused, sucking some water up from a nearby tree with his roots, and then continued on.  
  
"If they meet you I suggest you re-direct the portal to that nearby Forest Moon, where we planned out Embassy to be located. Awaiting you there will be all the "technology" I can magically conjure there for you to use. You should begin the Embassy and claim the moon as Council territory before you go anywhere else. Then invite the Queen of Naboo to come for a social call, and using your superior diplomatic tactics (a.k.a. hand waving and mind tricks)," He added snickering, "strong-arm her into helping you procure a fleet to escort you to Coruscant." He paused again, lapping at some nearby sunlight for a small snack. All this advising got to be a bit tiring when one hadn't done any for 1000 years!  
  
(Ok, I'm leaving off there for now. More will come soon I promise! Until then you'll just have to read my other story, Groupies of the Ring, a set of LOTR parodies! Vanya Sulie Mellon!) 


End file.
